Shall I be compeltly open and honest? Sure why not, it just might be cathartic.

I’ll try to keep it brief.

First off, there are times that I am pretty horny. Let’s be blunt shall we? Not the achingly frustration as in puberty, but still youngish level, a lot younger than my forty year old frame should feel. I do think about sex a lot. Probably one of the reasons I liked going to college. Yeah, I know. “She’s young enough she could be your kid.” I’m not proud, but I think I was born in the wrong time and place. Private adventist school in the 80s, not so hot and sexy, unless you are into pennyloafers and sweaters.

So, where this is leading is, the maddening thing, for several years (almost ten) I have been unable to get hard with my wife. You know what I mean by hard. Up until recently, I was able to get some sort of erection by myself, though not as much now. I have some pills that usually work. Though I don’t stay hard for very long for some reason. And sometimes it takes quite a while for them to work. While I remember the last time I was able ‘complete’ the act with my wife, it has probably been four years ago or so. Part of the reason I am so good at oral, why I work so diligently at it.

Wanna know the kicker? The real shit? If that wasn’t bad enough, in my youth I was a good christain boy and didn’t have sex until until I was twenty. Hell, other than wet dreams, I didn’t even masturbate until sometime in my early twenties after getting married. So I have had less than fifteen years of an actual sex life.

I know that my wife feels it is her fault. Another maddening thing. Actually something that REALLY pisses me off to be truthful. I tell her all the time that I think she is sexy. I comment on how her ass turns me on. I mean, come-on, just because my mind has fucked up my junk, doesn’t mean I am not turned on. Not that she talks to me about this, it’s one of those “hanging out with the girls” things.

I have MS and depending on where you go, or who you talk to, it is/isn’t the problem. My previous neurologist, said it doesn’t effect it, though a search on the internet says there can be nerve problems. Sometimes I do wake up with wood (and thank God my wife is accommodating at those times), so it is possible. 

Personally, I think it is just in my head. I want to be with her so much, my brain keeps it from happening. My fucked up brain.

Anyway, if you have gotten this far, thank you for reading, I appreciate it. 

Joseph

P.S.—Hey you, yeah you know who you are. We need to talk sometime soon.