We were at Starbucks talking and she started crying …

Later I asked her why the tears.

She said she was going to miss our trips to Starbucks just to drink coffee and spend time together.

Well no shit! Maybe you should have given it a little more thought instead of pulling this bullshit. I’m sure you’ll get over it. God knows I certainly will.

Okay, I’m done venting.

For the moment at least.

My ranting, Lord help me

I am very glad that I am moving out. now is a good time before things collapse. I hate you and I’ve hated you for a while now because of this shit—you are a rat upsetting an otherwise seaworthy ship in your haste to abandon it.

I’m tired. I’m tired of the lies to myself, to you, of the lies you are feeding me out of some sort of need to make yourself feel better about what you are doing. I cannot wait to get away so I don’t have to feel like this. I don’t have any reason or obligation to be suspicious. I feel like as long as I am in the house I am responsible to be caretaker to our relationship/family. If you get a text, I wonder who it is, what they want, both in good times and bad, I am curious but for different reasons. Before it was curiosity because of interest in your life, the things that a spouse should want to know, now it is because I am suspicious of what you are hiding from me in an attempt, no doubt, to not hurt my feelings. I know you and rob have been chatting, either over the internet or phone or both. part of me would kill to look at the phone statement, but i fear part of me would die seeing it. Your confession that he called seemed as fake and forced as it was at the old apartment. I’ve never understood why you would tell me about something that I would never know about unless you were guilty of more. And the look on your face when I mentioned that I figured you would contact him looked was not the look of someone without some measure of guilt.

You have said I lack ambition. Maybe it is just that what I am ambitious about is something that I fear expressing to you. I think I’m a pretty good writer, one of the reasons I wanted you to read my story is so I could hear from someone that wouldn’t sugarcoat the response. I guess it wasn’t something that was important to you.

I suspect a large part of the reason you want this to end is just so you can try your hand at getting back together with him. After fifteen intimate years, I know you. I know that even were he not open to the suggestion, you would not let it go if there was what you thought of as any possibility of nabbing him.

I don’t know whether to hate you, pity you, or try my damnedest to forget you. How can you throw away fifteen years of a pretty damn good relationship, certainly on the flimsy shit you proffered.

There is a part of me that wishes you would find my tumblr and read this and the other things I have posted about this situation, but I know you won’t. It would suggest you actually care and even to yourself, the self-imposed guilt queen, couldn’t deal with that.


And on this note, to all a good night.


(Source: durianseeds)

Anybody want to loan me $650 that I can use as a security deposit in an apartment?

We can even sign a repayment contract. I can easily swing $100 a month at least. More depending on how much overtime we get at work. I really need to get out of here. The sooner the better, lest this amicable relationship splinter and bust.

“If you are not the hero of your own story, then you’re missing the whole point of your humanity.”

— Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience (via quotes-shape-us)

Something I should remember.

As of 3:15 in the morning on the 31st …

I will be 43 years old.

One year ago when I turned 42, she said that it was my year (42, a joke based on The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy). Well fuck, if this is what I get for my year, just fucking kill me now.

Anyone want to call me and wish me happy birthday, let me know.


livin a life of constantly being a little bit sleepy and mildly turned on

That sounds about right.

Get closer to the separating and have real money issues …

And she is beginning to face the reality of just how tight her finances are going to be, I think she has begun questioning her decision.


Just want to go back to bed

I’m not someone that lies to lie in bed a lot, but lately I’ve wanted to just crawl in and make my bed my new home.

I am on the verge of sending my manuscript to agents …

But would like to have a few people read my synopsis and give me some feedback.

Im looking forward to hearing from some of my loyal followers.

Or even the non-loyal followers.

Just send me a message if you’d like to read it. It is less than seven hundred words, not long at all.