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And that is one of the reasons …

I am generally not a happy person.

If you haven’t read the last post I posted, skip it until you read the one before it, then come back. Maybe it’ll help.

There is nothing more maddening, i have found, than to have your hearts desire right in front of you and realize it is in reality so far out of reach that it might as well be in the next galaxy …

Shall I be compeltly open and honest? Sure why not, it just might be cathartic.

I’ll try to keep it brief.

First off, there are times that I am pretty horny. Let’s be blunt shall we? Not the achingly frustration as in puberty, but still youngish level, a lot younger than my forty year old frame should feel. I do think about sex a lot. Probably one of the reasons I liked going to college. Yeah, I know. “She’s young enough she could be your kid.” I’m not proud, but I think I was born in the wrong time and place. Private adventist school in the 80s, not so hot and sexy, unless you are into pennyloafers and sweaters.

So, where this is leading is, the maddening thing, for several years (almost ten) I have been unable to get hard with my wife. You know what I mean by hard. Up until recently, I was able to get some sort of erection by myself, though not as much now. I have some pills that usually work. Though I don’t stay hard for very long for some reason. And sometimes it takes quite a while for them to work. While I remember the last time I was able ‘complete’ the act with my wife, it has probably been four years ago or so. Part of the reason I am so good at oral, why I work so diligently at it.

Wanna know the kicker? The real shit? If that wasn’t bad enough, in my youth I was a good christain boy and didn’t have sex until until I was twenty. Hell, other than wet dreams, I didn’t even masturbate until sometime in my early twenties after getting married. So I have had less than fifteen years of an actual sex life.

I know that my wife feels it is her fault. Another maddening thing. Actually something that REALLY pisses me off to be truthful. I tell her all the time that I think she is sexy. I comment on how her ass turns me on. I mean, come-on, just because my mind has fucked up my junk, doesn’t mean I am not turned on. Not that she talks to me about this, it’s one of those “hanging out with the girls” things.

I have MS and depending on where you go, or who you talk to, it is/isn’t the problem. My previous neurologist, said it doesn’t effect it, though a search on the internet says there can be nerve problems. Sometimes I do wake up with wood (and thank God my wife is accommodating at those times), so it is possible.

Personally, I think it is just in my head. I want to be with her so much, my brain keeps it from happening. My fucked up brain.

Anyway, if you have gotten this far, thank you for reading, I appreciate it.

Joseph

P.S.—Hey you, yeah you know who you are. We need to talk sometime soon.

My wife chatted with her friend, that one girl …

that they flashed each other.

Yeah, remember her?

After I got home, she mentioned talking with her and told me a bunch of stuff. Not that there was really anything bad. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t one of those posts. She talked, I asked questions and such. I knew that there wasn’t really an attraction on the girl’s side to my wife, even though my wife has made it clear that she is attracted to this girl. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective) that this girl’s life is so messed up in general that there couldn’t ever be anything anyway.

In this conversation, I had mentioned that (attraction aside) I liked this girl also. We had talked some about video games, she is too a recovering WoW addict. Though recently fallen off the wagon. And there was something I was having difficulty conveying to my wife in that since they were friends, the girl and I couldn’t really be friends, even though it would be nice. I like talking to her, it would just feel strange, especially if there was ever anything happening between them, which at this point would not happen, but who knows in the future right.

At one point, my wife got the wrong impression, and said that she wouldn’t care if I slept with another woman. This is something that she has said before. I have heard her say, even to other people, that she would like to watch me with another woman.

This leads into my next post, one that is going to be difficult to write, though I am going to write it and share. At which point, I will have shared just about all the skeletons in my closet.

idrvfast:

glitterbubbles:

dangerdtm:

I saw this on a friend’s facebook today. I think we can all appreciate it.

Neutral Good FTW! yeah, I will hang out in a category with Malcolm Reynolds, that is totally fine with me. <3 xoxoxoxo

The last 2 times I took the test to determine my alignment it came back as Neutral/True Neutral.

idrvfast:

I wish I could watch it again with no knowledge of the prequels or special editions.

Like when I was 10, and so was the film. Not tainted by years of hindsight and greed.

As bad as the prequels and such were, I would like to see the movies again from the first one, just to see how I liked them. Who knows, maybe if he had started from the very beginning without all the computer effects on 1-3, maybe they would have been the favorites.