Wanna know something really shitty that makes me feel like my life is one big wasted moment that should probably end?

I’m 42 years old, shortly I’m going to have to move into sometimes spare bedroom because my wife and i are separating since she doesn’t love me anymore and i being home a measly $1300 a month from a job that i have effectively done for eight years … Oh yeah, i have a graduate degree and a lot of credits that apply towards nothing just because i liked going back to school.

kushandwizdom:

Everything Love

I need to remember this right now when life seems at it’s shittiest.

This is how I’m going to be—although I won’t ever send it.

(Source: overratedsuicide)

When will this feeling is being a nearly total loser go away?

I have wasted my life thus far and fear every choice i make to be wrong.

Someone help me, who’s going to be here for me now.

Flying a drone through fireworks.

Looking at my income and what my expenditures are and will be …

i am going to be very fucked.

Even with a cheap studio or one bedroom, I’m all but screwed.

God damn that woman. What is her fucking shit. She keeps saying, “if only you were a jerk” in trying to make herself feel better. Hell in a way we are both going to be fucked. She will keep the house, roof loan, and the negative equity that comes with it.

You know, sometimes you just suck it up and deal with it. Yeah, you only get one life, but is it really that bad with me. You want to be able to go out on the weekends and party, have friends you can hang out with, do you think that stuff isn’t going to cost money that you don’t have? You think people will give you that shit for free?

And you wanna know one of the things I’m going to miss the most? Having someone to hold. A warm body beside me in bed. The quiet inhalations of someone sleeping beside me. Someone that I can kiss goodnight. Sure she says I can come to her anytime I have problems or need help, sure, once she hooks up with “the one that got away” again, do you think she is going to give two shits about my problems. Or is he going to be cool with anything like that?

I don’t have any plans to start a relationship. This one has broken me, has ruined the word and I cannot do it again. If after fifteen pretty damn good years it could end like this, not because I was abusive, or because I cheated, or because I’m a bad guy, but because she cannot get past this guy she dated twenty years ago, then fuck that.

I’m done with it all.

I’m writing a proposal for an agent and read the soon to be ex the hook statement …

I forgot it had a spoiler of sorts.

Oops.

Kinda serves her right I thnk.

Since nobody will ask me these, I’ll just answer them myself:

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?
Yes
2. You talked to an ex today, correct?
Soon to be ex? Yes
3. Have you taken someones virginity?
No
4. Is trust a big issue for you?
More and more
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?
Yes
6. What are you excited for?
Not much
7. What happened tonight?
Last night, my wife and I talked about separating
8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?
Depends on the degree
9. Is confidence cute?
To an extent
10. What is the last beverage you had?
Water with lemon
11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?
Not sure
12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?
No
13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?
Have a few regret filled drinks
14. What are you going to spend money on next?
Maybe a heater coil fore the house, maybe first and last months rent
15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?
Going out?
16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?
I’m sure I will
17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?
Alysia
18. The last time you felt broken?
Now
19. Have you had sex today?
No
20. Are you starting to realize anything?
How sad my life is
21. Are you in a good mood?
Not really
22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?
Yeah
23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?
I don’t know
24. What do you want right this second?
To turn back the clock ten years or so
25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?
Probably cannot say much anymore
26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?
Yes
27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?
Sure,for a while
28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
When we were talking this morning
29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?
Yes
30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?
Yes
31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?
Nope
32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?
Yes she does
33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?
No
34. Listening to?
Harry Potter audiobook
35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?
Sometimes
36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?
Vaguely
37. Do you believe in love at first sight?
No
38. Who did you last call?
Alysia
39. Who was the last person you danced with?
Alysia
40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?
We were fooling around
41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?
I cannot remember
42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?
Nope
43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?
Yep
44. Do you tan in the nude?
Nope
45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?
Maybe
46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
Nope
47. Who was the last person to call you?
Alysia
48. Do you sing in the shower?
Nope
49. Do you dance in the car?
Sometimes
50. Ever used a bow and arrow?
Nope
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
I cannot remember
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
Nope
53. Is Christmas stressful?
Nope
54. Ever eat a pierogi?
Sure
55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
Apple
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
Race car driver
57. Do you believe in ghosts?
I want to
58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
Yep
59. Take a vitamin daily?
Yep
60. Wear slippers?
Nope
61. Wear a bath robe?
Nope
62. What do you wear to bed?
Underwear
63. First concert?
Stryper
64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
Target
65. Nike or Adidas?
Either
66. Cheetos Or Fritos?
Cheetos
67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
Peanuts
68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?
Eh?
69. Ever take dance lessons?
Very briefly
70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
I don’t picture a future spouse, had to many already
71. Can you curl your tongue?
Yep
72. Ever won a spelling bee?
Nope
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
Yep
74. What is your favorite book?
The Long Rin, Daniel Keys Moran
75. Do you study better with or without music?
Either
76. Regularly burn incense?
Nope
77. Ever been in love?
Not sure anymore
78. Who would you like to see in concert?
Pink Floyd
79. What was the last concert you saw?
Some one hit wonder that I cannot remember
80. Hot tea or cold tea?
Cold
81. Tea or coffee?
Coffee
82. Favorite type of cookie?
No bake
83. Can you swim well?
I used to be able
84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
Yes
85. Are you patient?
Yes
86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
No more weddings
87. Ever won a contest?
Yep
88. Ever have plastic surgery?
Nope
89. Which are better black or green olives?
Either
90. Opinions on sex before marriage?
Rock on
91. Best room for a fireplace?
Living room
92. Do you want to get married?
Never again

On a positive note …

I am off the hook on having to setup a karaoke computer that plays through the TV.

It’s the little things that are going to make this change bearable.

Well, the end is upon me …

my wife and I had a talk last night.

Yeah one of those talks. We decided, at her urging, that it would be better if we separated. After talking we decided a legal separation would be best.  Beyond not having to deal with a divorce, which would ours would not be that messy, I am not really sure just why. I guess taxes go better on a married couple that an individual, but in a legal separation, I don’t know.

This sucks. I sit here at my computer and think of all the things in our past. Fifteen years. Fifteen freaking years.How do you get rid of that? Get away from wallowing in the memories? I’m scared. I’ll admit it. So many things are going to be downright hard to let go.

This is hard to write, I keep bouncing around, scattered thoughts.

We owe a lot more on our house than it is worth, so she is going to try to keep it. Hopefully, since she gets paid better than me, she can. I love this house, and am gong to miss it so fucking much. As we were talking last night, sitting on the back patio, watching my world unravel from my fingers, I kept thinking about the things that I have taken for granted. This house for one thing. We are almost all the day done putting a little bubbler fountain in. Just the landscaping left really and before long, I won’t get to enjoy it other than in a few memories.

She said I can take whatever I want when I move out, the first thing my mind  jumped to was the washer and dryer—the only thing that she requested I let her keep. She did say that I could come over and use it though, I told her I did not want to come into the house after I leave. I don’t want to see the changes.

At least I won’t have the cat waking me up thirty minutes before I get up for work anymore, there’s one positive at least. Zoe, my daughters old cat, around fourteen years old now with not much life left I fear. And the damn dog, how she pisses me off when someone knocks on the door, somehow I’m going to miss that too.

Sorry, I’ve digressed into rambling. If you’ve gotten this far, thank you for following. I don’t know what’s in store, finding an apartment right now and getting finances squared away, Then who knows. I don’t plan on getting internet anytime soon—if at all. Who needs the distraction to take me away from writing. No TV then I guess. I’ll have to leave the kick ass monster television here—or give it to my brother.

Rambling again, maybe I’ll go back to bed.

Thank you for reading. If you’ve mad it this far, let me know. Send a message, add a note, something beyond a like. I’m just curious.

;-)

dougieplaysbanjo:

geekiekittie:

Always!

so when I reblog this, does that mean I forfeit my tumblr fame?

Hell yeah!

dougieplaysbanjo:

geekiekittie:

Always!

so when I reblog this, does that mean I forfeit my tumblr fame?

Hell yeah!

(Source: iwanttobeafirefly)

marinatinginmyawesomeness:

True Dat!!

Sorry to reblog this so quickly, i just wanted to keep it.

(Source: mostly-british-comedy)

tastefullyoffensive:

Mankind’s greatest invention. [video]

Damn. I need one of these just to compensate for my limp so i can carry a drink.

My wife has a non-judgmental friend she can talk to …

I wish i had a friend i could be open and talk with all honesty too.

It must be nice.

That is just about as accurate is it can get.